Football for the win...and Twins

Repeat after me: I’m a Texan and I like football.

Not that fancy Euro style of football either. I like the in your face, gang tackling, fourth consecutive “worst friggin’ call I have EVER seen” quantification of everything that is male. I want my beer cold, my stadium seats sticky and a hairy fat guy to bump chests with as I watch my team scoreboard their opponent.

This is why I do not understand the fascination people have with soccer.

Don’t misunderstand me. I can see the parental advantages to registering your child for a team. Soccer teaches your children leadership, coordination, strategy, and most importantly, how to work with others. As a father, I often reflect on my own son's success with euphoric nirvana as I patiently wait for my wife to post bail. (I wasn't kidding about #14 throwing elbows Ref) Seeing the smile on that little face during my supervised visits makes it all well worth it. But past the age of 18, I don't understand the allure.

Back in my college days, I lived in London where “football” rivals the Catholic Church as a religion. By day, the city was bustling with people trying to get from point A to point B. At night, the streets emptied and the pubs busted at the seams while 200 grown men rabidly watched the Chelsea Blue Angels fight for a nil-nil score crouched around a 20” TV. Songs of support and admiration could be heard from every facet of the neighborhood as the building around me seemed to sway. Peace and goodwill to the family of a poor bloke that walked into the pub wearing the wrong jersey.

But, in America, we just don't care.

I tried to like the World Cup. I mean, I really tried. But, 99.9% of the matches I watched entailed the ball being passed back and forth while some guy occasionally puts on an acting clinic that would rival Lance Bass’ perceived interest at a wet t-shirt contest. What’s so compelling about 90 minutes of no score (plus stoppage and an overtime) just to go to a shootout where each shot is just a guessing game?

Why not eliminate the formality of regulation soccer and go straight to the shootout?

Man Law.