Big 12: Can I Get a Witness?...Or a QB?
My Powerhouse brothers and sisters. Can you sense it? Can you smell it? The holiest of all seasons is upon us once again. The great football spirit is all around us. Sanctuaries in college towns will soon swell with people on Saturdays praising the Great Pigskin in the sky. Crying for a savior to walk among them. That they can glance upon him. That, if they can only touch his cleat, they too will experience a national championship. After all, Vince Young, the gangsta savior, has walked the college football earth, done his good deeds, and ascended into NFL Heaven. Now, the masses long for a new savior.
The Great Pigskin hears their cries but knows this season there is but one imbued with the football spirit, anointed by the Great Pigskin itself, to work miracles. He won't turn water into wine. But will turn sacks into touchdowns. Disappointing losses into come from behind victories. Can I get an amen! (organ plays triumphatly in the background)
And nowhere are those cries louder or more passionate than in the Big 12 on whom the Great Pigskin's favor has rested on numerous occasions. But, this year it seems there are few in Big 12 country worthy of the Great Pigskin's anointing. (organ music slows and takes on a haunting tone) Will the sins of the Big 12 catch up with the conference this year?
So down with Oklahoma as its sins continue to mount. The Great Pigskin values the purity of the game and despises greed. The Pigskin's wrath fell on the Boomer Sooner when the OU QB roster, known in recent years for its amateur greatness, was stricken with the suspension of Rhett Bomar. The Sooners are left wallowing in their shame with Paul Thompson at QB and will continue to experience judgment as Adrian Peterson is left to touch the ball 30 to 35 times a game and get beaten up in the process. Oh, that Coach Stoops and the Sooners tear their coaching shorts and sit in sackcloth and ashes so this young talent may be spared the Pigskin's wrath.
And there shall be no mercy in Nebraska where a young Zac Taylor rebelled against his father and his hometown to toss evil bombs in Lincoln, Nebraska. There shall be a public sacking of this quarterback for his sins. Norman longs for the day the prodigal returns home and everyone can feats on the fatted lamb.
And Colorado is but a mere shadow of itself after wreaking its destruction by its own transgressions. The years of Joel Klatt were awash in program scandal and now the Buffs try to choose from James Cox, Brian White, and Bernard Jackson. And as the great Football Bible tells us in the book of Darrell Royal Chapter 8, verse 5, "He who has three quarterbacks, has no quarterback." Oh, that the judgment may be lifted so this once proud program can find the football truth.
Kansas State stands guilty of the same sin: QB indecision. A sin for which mediocrity is the only reward.
Texas Tech commits once again the unpardonabale sin against the Great Pigskin who breathes life into all teams. "The man who practices the excess of pass is not one with me and I do not know ye." Graham Harrell has no chance as long as he takes part in the weekly pagan rituals in Lubbock. Get your Guns Up! And pray the Pigskin shows its mercy.
And that once proud, deeply religious school in Waco. Lacking faith in the Pigskin's ability to raise up marginally gifted Shawn Bell, they have turned and bowed at the altar of Leach and joined in the points fertility rituals. Oh, Baylor. The night cometh. You reach for the blessings of bowls, but once again shall reign in the bowels.
And don't be confused by the false hope spread in Missouri and at Iowa State. Chase Daniel and Brett Meyer are devoted kids with promising futures, but are merely preparing the path of the next Big 12 savior.
Hope rings eternal in College Station where young QB Stephen McGee brings memories of Bucky Richardson. A good, faithful QB in A&M days of yore, but just a man.
And joy is heard in Kansas where redshirt Kerry Meier shall take the reins. Yet, while surely not a sin, his inexperience suggests he is not ready for a potential anointing. The Pigskin, in its wisdom, knows an anointing gioven too soon destroys potential football miracle workers.
Meanwhile, no one knows what secret sin Oklahoma State is hiding, but they will abide in the cellar once again behind the stricken arms of Al Pena and Bobby Reid. Their only hope is that the Pigskin uses them once again as an instrument of judgment on the Sooners.
And our tour in search of the next great gridiron savior brings us to Austin. (organ bristles with excitement) That great Big 12 Holy Land once graced by James Street and Vince Young. Will the Pigskin's favor shine on Texas again. It is unclear. Mack Brown's temptation is public as he wrestles with whether or not to join his Big 12 brethren in the sin of QB indecision. His belated repentance of this sin brought glory back to Texas. His decision may sway the Great Pigskin.
And thus we know, berothers and sisters of the Powerhouse. QB glory is a long shot this year in the Big 12. But do not let your head hang low. Instead raise your foam finger toward the goalposts in salute of the Great Pigskina nd pour out your entreaties for next year's savior. The fiathful will once again see the glory of the Football Lord. Hallelujah!! (organ breaks out victoriously)