Keys to beating Ohio State

1. This is a trap game. Yes, Texas will be pitted against Major Applewhite's juggernaut next week but we cannot let that become a distraction. We have to remain focused at the task on hand. Don't look past them. Take it one game at a time. God willing.

2. Trash talk Troy Smith. He's black, he can run and he wears the number 10. But, that still doesn't change the fact that he isn't Vince Young. Phrases such as "The cops didn't find my gun" should be used at opportune moments. Have the Austin PD throw in a quick taser when the refs aren't looking.

3. Confuse the play calling. All Texas coaches, ball handlers, sports medicine staff and celebrities should be outfitted in sweater vests.



4. Use your first offensive possession to surprise them. Run a fake punt on first down.

5. Show different defensive formations to rattle the offense. Something along the lines of "Script UT" would do nicely.

6. Show respect for your opponent. Every time the PA announcer addresses the stadium he should stress "THE". (Griffin on THE tackle, THE bathroom in Section 20 has relocated next to THE Snack Shack down THE hall, etc.)

7. Take their fans out of the game early. Hand-to-hand combat or baseball bats...either way.

8. Use Godzillitron to its fullest potential. Sure, on the surface it is a huge screen with a million ads, but behind it are 10,000 high tech heaters imported from Mexico that raise the on field temperature by 20 degrees. (At night!)

9. Use the band to play mind games. Every time Texas scores the band should play "Hail to the Victors". This way, Ohio State still feels like it has a good chance to win. This is a great strategy if we want to make the game close for some ESPN Classic airtime.

10. Use word association. Isn't "OSU" just "ou" with an "S"? And as we all know, ou sucks.