Breaking News: T.O. Not Happy

In a rare move, Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens gave a boastful interview to ESPN analysts, and former Cowboys great, Michael Irvin. (Sportscenter's Sunday Coversation piece on 12/10/06) When asked about his production this season, Owens indicated that he was "not into it all the time" and admitted that he "quits on plays" as a result. He directly attributed his poor performance to simply not caring. Unfortunately for Cowboys fans, Owens was not available for comment having not left the woodshed with his teammates.

I think that #81 may be on to something here.

Dear Boss,

I wanted to take this opportunity to remind you how fortunate you are that I work for you. The job market is pretty tight these days and you obviously know talent when you see it. Unfortunately, for you, I need to set some ground rules for our business relationship.

Productivity will suffer if I am not happy. What will make me happy you ask? I don't know. I am too busy updating my blog to figure out why I have such resilience. It's up to you to figure it out. What I do know is that I want company-wide emails, and perhaps media coverage, if I do the job I am supposed to do. If I "drop the ball" on a project, it can directly be attributed to my fading desire to put any effort towards my responsibilities. But, if the latter happens, someone else is surely to blame. And they should be severely punished.

I mean seriously, do you have any idea how lucky you are to have me? I was voted "server of the week" 4 times in 5 months at TGIFridays. Then they got all high and mighty telling me what tables I would wait on and how much I could charge for menu items. I wasn't going to have any of that. So, they let me go. Fine. Their loss. All I'm saying is don't question my production. You may think that I'm being egotistical or lazy. I have smiley-faced certificates and contest winning gift cards to prove otherwise.

Constantly answering questions about me is a small price to pay for what I have the potential to give you. Do you not even recognize this?

Look...just pay me the money and I'll show up to work. (Maybe even on time some days) Don't burden me with conference calls or employee meetings because it cuts into my nap time. I have a Myspace page to upkeep so why don't you try to be more considerate? There is absolutely no reason why I should NOT be the center of attention at all times. The sooner you give me the respect I deserve the better life will be.

Otherwise, I have a full bottle of pain pills and a lot of free time.

Sincerely,

Scott