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Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Taking the "Trash" out of Trash Talking

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Trash talking is an art form that has been deluded by the current generation. In my day, trash talking was a science that counted as an elective towards graduation. But, with the introduction of the internet, and Democrats as the majority party, the etiquette of trash talking has convoluted into an unacceptable state.

In an attempt to put us back on track, I humbly submit a proposed Man Law.

Man Law: Do not bring up the past when trash talking sports.

A. If you have an all-time series record over a team, it is permissible to use this stat as a form of trash talk provided you encompass the entire series. It is bad form to use a selective time period to vaunt your accomplishments. (Exceptions below) Comments such as "In my lifetime..." or "We were better between the periods of 1999 and 2004, not including 2000, 2001 or 2003..." should never be used when trying to earn credibility.

B. If you have a current series streak over a team, it is permissible to use said streak as a form of trash talk. Said streak can only contain a one-game break to be valid. For example, a team had an 8 year streak against their opponent, lost last year but won this year. It is correct to use the phrase "We have pwned your sorry asses 9 out of the last 10 times biatch!" However, if your opponent has won two consecutive games, said streak is no longer admissible as a new streak has begun. An example of poor trash talking is: "Who cares if you beat us the last 2 years? Your coach was our daddy 4 times in a row before that!" This is in direct violation to the Man Law rule.

C. It is permissible to admit championships won into the conversation provided one of said championships was obtained within a 10 year period. For example, the Dallas Cowboys won 3 Super Bowl titles in a 4 year period during the nineties. Unless the Cowboys win the upcoming Super Bowl, all trash talking rights and mention will be revoked at midnight on January 1, 2007. This also prohibits paraphernalia boasting the accomplishment(s), such as t-shirts or bumper stickers, to be adorned in any form. The exception to this rule is if your intended target's team has never won a championship, but is convinced that they are on par with your team. In this instance, it is within your rights to question the validity of their team and/or program. An example of this would be "How many Super Bowls have the Philadelphia Eagles won jack ass?" Use this exception with extreme caution as it will anger the intended target during their formulation of a crafty retort.

D. If it becomes absolutely necessary to use a selective time period to boast accomplishments, use a decade as reference. Not "out of the last 13 years" or out of the last 7 years" A fresh decade. (90-99, 00-09, etc.) Examples of correct usage would be "In the eighties..." and "At the turn of the century..." But, use this provision wisely to ensure that it is relevant in today's landscape and doesn't conflict with Provision A. An acceptable usage would be "We haven't won this many games against you p*ssies since the seventies." This statement does not imply that you have always been better than your opponent during a selective time period because it directly correlates to today's state of events. Therefore, it is a correct form of trash talking. The exception to this rule would be if a current streak meets the criteria of Provision B and spans over two decades. Only in this instance is it ok to break the decade rule.

E. If you have "screwed the pooch" in an assessment of one of your players, you have forfeited your trash talking rights to evaluate the skills of an opponents' player. (Duration of one complete graduating class for college football) An example of this would be "Reggie McNeil is so much better than Vince Young" or "Rhett Bomar will pickup where Jason White left off." This blatant display of delusion may have irreparably ruined your reputation as a talent coordinator for future prospects. (Depending on the level of insistence you brought forth) Until you can earn trust as an evaluator, you are banned from publicly displaying any future comparisons. You have rightfully earned the title "numbnuts" and can no longer look opposing fans directly in the eyes.


If you do not have a form of acceptable trash talking, comparing academics, women or quality of life is not an acceptable solution. Phrases such as "Well, at least I don't have to live in San Francisco with your ghey lover, fudge monkey!" or "Dungeon Master magazine named us one of the top 8 party schools in northwest Idaho" is bad form. If someone is from Texas they will tell you. If they are not...don't embarrass them.

Unless you have made someone cry, spent the night in a detox tank with a black eye or offered proof that you really hooked up with an opposing fan after the game...you need to evaluate your loyalty. Giving a pants down spanking to some noob on the "Anything Goes" board is expected, not an accomplishment.

We all know that steers and queers are from Texas thanks to the movie Full Metal Jacket. Texas/ou weekend provides countless direct quotes from this movie by our inbred friends up north. One key element that is usually forgotten is that a Longhorn is a "steer". Therefore, a Longhorn fan would also encompass the "steer" element of the evaluation. Since the majority of ou's roster consists of Texas players, who are not classified in the "steer" comparison, we can deduct that they consist of the "queer" element. The rest are just guilty by association. This is an especially humerous comparison when used by another school in Texas.

Should you have any questions, or need clarification as to what is acceptable, please do not hesitate to ask.


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